Are You a Stress Addict? How to Reverse Decades of Chronic Stress
My Dear One:
Last month, I tagged along on a field trip for my 7-year-old granddaughter’s school. I met another grandmother who was doing the same thing.
She asked me what I do, and I told her, “I’m a stress-relief coach for women over 50.”
She looked at me quizzically and asked, “What does that mean?”
“Well,” I explained, “I help women who are ‘exhausted achievers’ let go of the stress they have been holding onto in their bodies and minds for decades.”
She threw back her head and laughed out loud, “I never heard it put that way before, but I am definitely an ‘exhausted achiever.’
We followed behind the gaggle of kids and moms and our conversation continued. She had lots of questions and I’m going to give you a shorter version of our conversation here.
My new buddy asked me, “So what does it mean to be an exhausted achiever?”
You thrive on stress. You believe, as I did, that stress has been your ticket for your success. It even feels like the stress makes your life meaningful.
Do you love the feeling of meeting a tight deadline? I did. When I was a professor, I felt like a solid deadline was the only way I could finish a book project.
Does it take you a couple of days to get the hang of vacation? I used to always bring work with me, so that I’d be sure to have something to do.
Do you jump and have a little freak out when you think you lost your smart phone? Especially before the pandemic, I’d do this once a day for sure.
Do you find it difficult to relax and go to sleep at night? I still work at this. Suddenly, when it is time to go to bed, I think of all the things I haven’t done during the day. But I’m getting so much better at giving myself permission to rest.
Do you wish you had more hours in the day to get everything done? I have a client who, when we started to work together, told me that this was her biggest problem -- needing more time.
These constant feelings of needing to do more, be more, and accomplish more are like an addiction.
What, exactly, is addiction? Physician and writer, Gabor Maté, in his book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction, defines addiction broadly as, “any repeated behavior, substance-related or not, in which a person feels compelled to persist, regardless of its negative impact on his life and the lives of others.”
What’s important here is not so much whether your behavior counts as an addiction, but whether or not you recognize that you would be much better off with less stress in your body and in your life. [Of course, if you sense that things are beyond the range of everyday problems, I encourage you to seek professional help, perhaps a therapist.]
The next question, and I hope you’re still with me here, is, So, what’s the big problem with stress?
Isn’t stress good? Doesn’t it help us get our work done and succeed? A little stress is great. Yes, like a cup of coffee, a small dose of stress can help us get across that finish line.
But for women in my world -- exhausted achievers over 50 -- we have been collecting stress in our bodies for so long that now that it is creating some real problems.
Stress -- what used to be an invisible powerhouse -- is now depleting us and causing actual harm. (That’s where the idea of addiction comes in.)
You might think that stress is what shows up when your upper back really hurts after sitting at the computer for hours and you think what will solve the problem is a good massage. Or, when too much is happening in your life -- friends, families, work are all conspiring to drive you crazy.
Without getting too technical here, stress is way more than that: it is a whole body, physiological response that might not be felt. You might not be aware of it at all.
Decades of stress, whether caused by external circumstances, like work or family, or internal issues, like anxiety, worry, or coping mechanisms in place since childhood are causing harm.
Whether you feel it or not, your body turns on it’s fight, flight, or freeze mechanism, which alerts your internal nervous system and poses a threat to your body’s ability to heal.
So many symptoms emerge as signs of chronic stress. You might have experienced some of these: fatigue, increased heart rate, high blood pressure, insomnia, overeating and weight gain, anxiety, increased drug or alcohol use, a compromised immune system, increase in blood sugar, ulcers, migraines, skin problems, panic attacks, premature aging, breakdown of muscles, loss of brain cells, relationship problems, and lack of focus.
Phew! That is not a pretty picture. And this is why only occasional self-care band-aids don’t stand a chance at reversing the whole-body processes involved in chronic stress (see my previous newsletter here: Is Your Self-Care Merely a Bandaid? )
My new buddy looked at me with shock and dismay. She asked, “I had no idea! So, do I have to go live in an ashram? This is how I live my life!” I don’t know how I can be anything other than an exhausted achiever!”
I have good news for my field trip buddy and for you.
You can reinvent yourself as a different sort of achiever and you don’t have to stop working or go to live on a beautiful, serene tropical beach (although that does sound nice, doesn’t it?)
I found myself overwhelmed by stress at the age of 50 -- many of you know my story. I have spent the past 20 years learning and teaching my precious clients how to unwind our attraction to stress and dismantle the results of chronic stress. Now I teach these techniques to my clients and students in my monthly program, The #FierceOver50 Gathering.
Here are the basic principles I follow:
1. Connect with other women struggling with the same issues. As exhausted achievers, we say to ourselves, “ I got this. I can do it on my own and by myself. Just give me an app.”
No, it’s the opposite, we gain strength, strategies, and support when we band together with others going through the same thing. And we are at that age when we become invisible to others, so it is important that we connect and draw strength from each other.
2. Realize that the most powerful solutions to reversing the impact of chronic stress come from small, 1 percent changes that we, ourselves, engage in during the day, while we work, while we struggle, and while we carry out our daily activities. Little by little. Noticing how we can respond differently. Feeling our bodies as we go about our daily activities, and that leads me to my third principle.
2. Take ownership of your own healing. Harness the energy of your exhausted achiever self. Your superpower is in your ability to solve problems. You’ve been doing it for decades. This situation requires a different sort of solution than you are used to, but, my dear buddy, you’ve got this. You’re used to taking charge and this is a superb way to use your “take charge” energy.
This is why we “gather” in the #FierceOver50 gathering. We need each other’s support; we are ready to make these small shifts; and we are ready to own our recovery from a life of stress.
You might be wondering what, exactly, I teach in the Gathering. These remarkably effective techniques teach you to notice your body in new ways.
I teach breathing strategies for any situation you find yourself in. Breathing well and effectively literally turns off the long-time “fight and flight” activation of your nervous system.
I teach self-massage. Yes, you can do the job even better than your massage therapist because you can target the areas you need, just when you need them. And you can care for yourself daily, not when you have put aside $100 or more for that service.
And, I teach movement. Gentle, restorative movement that invites your body to reverse the tightness and stiffness that chronic stress invites. And these movements are meant for our over 50 bodies -- no down dog on your tender wrists, no lunges on your knees, and no sitting in ways that make your tight hips cry for mercy!
I would love to have you join the #FierceOver50 Gathering. It’s only $47 per month and includes at least 3 and sometimes 4 live zoom workshops per month where we gather and connect around reversing chronic stress in absolutely delightful ways.
You’ll not only feel like your body is coming back to life, but you’ll see a window open on the life that you so dearly deserve. Your body will become resilient and your life will become a very welcome, sunlit adventure.
You can join the #FierceOver50 Gathering by clicking here.
I’d love to see you on the inside.
Love and Gratitude,
AnnMerle
P.S. If you’re wondering if the #FierceOver50 Gathering is right for you, just click reply and we’ll set up a chat.